Love. What a beautiful word. This year has been such a wonderful year, where I was faced by several terms of love, which, one of them was mistaken by, Lust.
Today I attended a funeral. A beloved neighbor was unfortunately passed away. He was a kind person. I had very good memories about him and his family. He used to take me and brother to school when we were elementary kids, together with his daughters. Time moves super fast, elementary school era has over. Human’s getting older, some are getting wiser. When I was in the funeral home, I saw his wife was startled that need to be in a wheelchair and couldn’t stop crying. I saw her face and felt the lost. I am their neighbor and I was very sad for losing him too. I could not and would not think if it would be happened to me. I know that I have to be prepared, but, I’d rather not to think about it right now. Yes, funeral. A place where I started to contemplate again about love. How could someone is so attached to his/ her mate for the rest of their life. This contemplation took me back to the latest conversation with someone closed to me, a night before the funeral. I have a relationship, or I don’t know the term since this is complicated. As I mentioned in this blog somewhere, previously, I didn’t and never expected that we’re going to have a serious relationship or attachment. Shit does happen, when he said he was falling in love with me and telling me I was his soul partner. Well then, I started to imagine, if I lost him as my partner, would I be crying like the lady losing his husband? Her sadness when losing her husband made me realized that my partner must be mistaken me. It was one sided feeling, because, probably I had been played. My feeling about him is somehow flying through the movement of this earth, I don’t know where we are heading to. Our relationship is fleeting, moving like the air. He is a smart clown and a joker, that perfectly fits to be my toy. He has been in touch with my darkest fantasy, we both know about it. I admit, that he opened my eyes about the other side of life, to be an observer and not a judge.
Who am I to judge, anyway? I had to thank him about it. But then, when love appears to the surface, it makes no-sense 🙂 I tried to meditate and came up with this line of words that sometimes, the heart recognizes what eyes cannot see. I had to ask myself, Do I have a heart for him? — Yes, I care about him. I asked my self again, Do I have a heart for him? and, No was the final answer. I wish.